Forgiveness

If Peter and I have had a theme in our recent prayer and study, it is trying to follow the leadings of the Spirit.

Recently I listened to grandpa’s interview with Paul Weimann (The Creston Experience)Here is the sight if you haven't read it recently.  http://www.centerplace.org/library/Study/CrestonExperience.pdf. It was truly awesome to know John the Beloved was working with that congregation. It helped lift the veil in my eyes a little bit.  There were so many awesome things to be taken from it.

One amazing thing that sticks out in my mind, was that John would whisper in people’s ear.  He said sometimes people would ignore him.  I think about the times when I feel like I should do something and don’t do it.  If I visualize John or Jesus whispering in my ear, I think I will be more likely to do it.  I certainly don’t want to turn around and tell them NO.  The following is a testimony where I tried to follow the leadings of the Spirit (or whisperings in my ear) recently, and how the Lord has blessed me richly because of it.

During my last trip to Independence, I was able to hear a testimony about a man in Africa who was recently converted to the gospel.  Upon his conversion to Christ, he felt the need to go ask for forgiveness from anyone that he might have wronged.  It made me think about who I needed to ask for forgiveness.  The first thing that came to my mind were the children from my first years of teaching.  I felt a lot of guilt that I had not done enough for them.  This was something that I had felt bad about off and on for years.

I immediately thought, God surely you don’t want me to write these people.  They are in Texas.  How would I contact them.  I don’t have addresses and can’t remember the parent’s names.

I tried to put it off for several weeks.  But again, I was kept up at night and had the tight feeling in my chest.  I couldn’t get it off of my mind.  I finally decided I would just see if I could do a web search for one family whose name I did remember.  Sure enough, there was their address.  And soon there after another parent’s name came to my mind.  And of course her address was readily available on the internet.  I delayed another week or two.  During this time, I felt like I was really weighed down by my sin.  I knew that I would be able to stop thinking about this situation and feeling so bad, if I would just write.  

I finally wrote the letters and felt much better.  Immediately a lot of the guilt was taken away and I was not thinking about it all of the time.  There was such a release.  This past week, I received beautiful letters from the parents I wrote.  They were thrilled to hear from me and did not feel like there was anything to forgive.  They both expressed that there are different stages in life and that we learn and grow and then do better.  One of the mom’s even expressed feeling a very similar way after she had been an OT.  Here is part of what she said…” One of my patients mother tried to explain her reality, and I in my ignorant arrogance had the nerve to think I knew best.  I have prayed for that woman and her son many times through the years, especially that God would heal her of any hurts I may have added to her life.  But I was a novice in OT and life.  The point of my rambling is that I think I can imagine your feelings as a mom looking back.  What is so touching is that in our compassion for us, you reached out in the present with even greater understanding and blessed us.” 

After getting their letters I feel like not only have I been forgiven, but that I can finally forgive myself. 

It was such a blessing.  It made me really think about the forgiveness process.  It might have seemed like a little thing that I was asking for forgiveness for, but the devil was using that little thing in a big way.  He was tormenting me with it.  Making me feel like a horrible person, like I couldn’t be forgiven.  Constantly reminding me of my sin and making me think there was no hope.  As long as I did not voice my confession, the devil had power over me.  But, as soon as I was able to physically ask for forgiveness, light was able to be shed on the situation.  I was free from guilt and Jesus was able to take that sin away.  It made me realize that God does not ask us to confess our sins or go to our brothers and ask for forgiveness as some sort of punishment or penance that we must make.  It is because when we keep those sins to ourselves we are in bondage to the devil and his whisperings and when we confess we are made free and are liberated from our sin.  And after this week, I know what a wonderful feeling that is. 

 God is so good and merciful to us.  His ways are awesome!  I am so grateful for the lessons that He has been teaching me.  I hope that He will continue to grace me with whisperings in my ear and that I will be more swift to turn and say "Yes, Lord. Right away!"

 

Jesus!

This past year I have been studying the words of Christ.  As I finished reading Luke and typing my notes the Spirit filled me strongly.  I was thinking of how the disciples praised God continually at the end of the book of Luke, because of the awesome things they had seen.  God had finally allowed them to see the purpose for Jesus coming.  That He had died that our sins might be remitted. Jesus expounded the scriptures to them and they finally understood.   What an amazing feeling that must have been for all of Jesus teachings to come together.  I then began to picture Jesus being carried into heaven.  I was overcome with what an awesome sight that must of been for his disciples to see him rise into heaven.  The Spirit came over me strong and I felt the need to pray.  I was trying to be led in prayer.  At first I felt led to praise Jesus and thank Him for the gift of salvation.  After that, I  felt led that as awesome as it was to see Jesus ascend into heaven, that if we were diligent and faithful, we might be able to see the awesome sight of Jesus descending from heaven.  The spirit continued with me as I prayed for Zion and had the awe-inspiring thought that this could happen in our lifetime.  I felt the desire that Jesus needs us to walk on a higher plane.  His work is commencing and there is so much expected of us if we would prepare like never before.  I felt strongly like we could see Jesus returning.  Thank you Lord for your ways are awesome.  My small mind cannot even begin to understand your ways and the joy and plan that you have prepared for those that will follow you.

I Corinthians 2:9 But as it is written, Eye hath not seen, nor ear heard, neither have entered into the heart of man, the things which God hath prepared for them that love him.

(As an aside, after the retreat Eli picked up on the theme that Jesus is coming.  He kept asking when Jesus was coming.  When I told him I didn’t know, He responded, he’s coming in 40 days.)

Also, during a sermon at the retreat, it was mentioned that we do not know the day or the hour that Jesus returns.  Rob compared this to being pregnant.  We don't know the day or hour when we will deliver, but we do know the season.  I had never thought of it this way before, and it has really stuck with me.

God in Action

The other day I was chatting with Mom on the computer.  While we were talking she got a call from Uncle Ron on the phone.  He had called to tell her the blessing of Aunt Di getting her Visa in time for them to go adopt Ruth from Africa. Then we did a three way chat so I could hear too.  Ron then expressed how they still needed prayers for he and Di to be able to travel together.  For some crazy reason Ron's flight was leaving from KC and Di's from Chicago.  Then Mom said how she was driving to Champaign to visit me and she could just drive them both to Chicago so they wouldn't be separated.  The dates worked out perfectly for her to drop them off and pick them up. 

 Later that day I was reading an email that Jan Jordison sent out about Ron and Di.  It told of the different blessings they had received so far in their process to adopt Ruth.  It then said that they still needed prayers for the flight situation to work out, so they could travel together.  It was really neat, because before my very eyes, I had seen that prayer being answered through Ron’s phone call with Mom.  I was just impressed with getting to physically God work in action.  Today I was able to accompany Ron and Di to the airport.  It was a long day being in the car for six hours with the kids, but I was happy to be a tag along to an answer to prayer.

Prayer for Sister

My sister is in Cape Town, South Africa to help pilot a child life program.  I am so proud of her.  She is so much more independent and brave than I am.  I have been praying for her and her travels.  I have been especially praying for her travel as she tries to navigate her way to South Africa all by herself.  Today I got a little teary while reading her blog. 

This is what she said “I never quite felt like James Bond or an international spy maneuvering my way through international airports (the way one friend said I would) but it is pretty empowering to travel around the world by yourself. I guess I shouldn’t say by myself, because I did feel His peaceful spirit with me the whole way. I never felt alone or afraid.”

It was so neat to read that, because that had pretty much been my exact prayer.  That she wouldn’t feel alone.  That she would be mindful of the Holy Spirit traveling with her.  It is so awesome to pray for someone and then see your prayer answered word for word.  As I read her blog, I knew that god had answered mine and I’m sure many other prayers.  God is so good!

 

True Love

My sister wrote this and I thought it was absolutely beautiful.  I am posting it here for safe keeping, so that I can be reminded of it often.

true love

Sunday, February 8, 2009

The women in my family have a quirky habit of speaking aloud their confessions of love for their husbands when no one is around. It is said in slightly more than a whisper and somewhat under their breath. My mom says, "Alan" when she thinks about my dad or how much she loves him. My sister says, "I love you" when she thinks of Peter or when she does something that embarasses her. Somehow reminding herself of his presence in her life brings her comfort. The funny thing is, they don't realize they've said it aloud. If I overhear my sister's quiet "I love you," I'll respond "I love you, too" just to draw her attention to it. We usually laugh because we both know she wasn't saying it to me, but somehow confessing it into the universe which delivers it to Peter. :)

 Tonight I was thinking back about my day as I was putting away my laundry. I had just come from an awesome church meeting where some tangeable plans for Zionic living were discussed and plans made to implement them. It got me thinking even further about how present God has been in my life lately. I'm feeling Him daily working in my life, molding and changing me into a new creature. I'm coming to know and understand him more in ways that are exciting for me. I even had a friend correct my actions today and rather than being hurt or defensive, I found myself thankful for his love in desiring for me to be a better person. Because of that love, I understood God's love in my life even more. While thinking about these things, I found myself saying aloud, "Love you Lord." I said it before I even realized what I was doing. After I said it, I laughed - realizing I had inherited that same quirky habit of speaking aloud my confession of love for the one I love. Then I cried...because I truely felt the true love for the one who created me and in return the deepness of His love for me.

 With Valentine's Day around the corner, I wanted to share my confession of love! I know that may sound odd to some, but I am more aware than ever of true love this year! :)

In Sync

Today I was listening to scriptures on my ipod.  I heard a passage that I wanted to highlight in my scriptures.  I knew what chapter it was in, but had no idea what verse.  I opened up my scriptures to the correct chapter, while I continued to listen on my ipod.  The first verse I laid my eyes on was word for word what I was hearing in my ipod.  It was so amazing to be reading and hearing the same words, so spontaneously.  I immediately said a prayer of thanksgiving for the Lord allowing me to feel in sync with him at that moment.  I love the little ways the Lord shows us that He is near!

A parent's love

I was reading an article out of a magazine recently.  I loved the correlation that it made between how we as parents deal with children and how are Father in Heaven deals with us.

Eli has been difficult lately and I have been feeling inadequate as mother and how I am dealing with my frustration.  I read this article and it made me cry, thinking about how awesome God’s love is.  It was just what I needed to hear.  Here is an excerpt. 

God knew every sleep-deprived thought I’d ever have, every burst of anger I’d ever display, every chink in my armor, every dark corner of my unloving heart.  He knew I’d be selfish and irrational, forgetful and unorganized, inadequate and completely incapable.

            And yet he still chose me.

            And he still chose you.

God still chooses neurotic, insecure women to be moms because he knows that parenthood provides one of the best pictures he could give us of his unconditional love.  He chose parenthood so that one day we could look into the eyes of our children, clearly see all their failures and shortcomings and, without hesitation from the very depths of our soul, say, “I love you no matter what.”

All with the hope that in this image, we’ll see the shadow of another; the reflection that is us – broken children standing before a loving father.  And in spite of us, God loves us with a love that transcends understanding.

MomSense Jan/Feb 2009 p25

 

I think about how much I love Eli, in the midst of him driving me crazy.  I just love the idea that God made us parents, so that we could have a glimpse of how much he loves us, despite how much I’m driving Him crazy.

Thank you Lord for your timing in letting me read this article and for a deeper understanding of your love.

 John 15:12 This is my commandment, That ye love one another, as I have loved you.

Summer 1995 Witness to Friends

This is one of my faavorite personal expriences I have ever had with the Lord and has helped guide my path.

            One summer in high school, I was at a senior high camp outside of Columbia, MO.  I decided that I would take considerable time out to fast over several days.  I spent a lot of time reading scripture and praying for several of my friends.  I didn’t tell anyone what I was doing or what I was praying about.  I didn’t even tell my sister, who was also at the camp with me.  In many ways I was kind of a hermit that week.  Instead of going to some of the activities I spent the time reading my scriptures, praying and fasting.  As the week went on, I began to wonder if God was hearing my prayers.  Did He even know who I was.  As insignificant as I am, was he interested?

            On the last day of camp we had a dedication service to finish the week off.  At that service another camper, whom I had not spoken much to, stood up and spoke.  She said, “Erin, Jesus wants you to know that if you will witness to your friends, he will make you strong.”  Wow!  The Spirit flooded over me strongly and I began to cry.  I had not told anyone what I had been praying about and here God was speaking directly to me, addressing my needs and desires.  More than that, he had called me by name.  He knew my name!  He knew my concerns and he cared enough about me to tell me so.  That was a life changing experience from my youth.  I remember I was on a spiritual high afterwards, even when I got home.  Even today I feel the Spirit when I think about this testimony.  How important it is for all of us to know that Jesus knows our name and loves us.

PRAISE HIM

I have been reading the book Disciple by Juan Ortiz.  Yesterday it talked about how we need to praise the Lord specifically and in all things.  Don’t just say praise the Lord, but tell the Lord why you are praising him.  He said instead of complaining about the weather, why don’t we find something in the weather to praise God about.  For instance, that the freeze has finally killed the pirate gnats that have been biting me.  J  I decided that I wanted to practice praising the Lord in all things.

Today I needed to clean the bathroom.  Usually I grumble the whole time about how I can’t stand to clean the bathroom.  Today I consciously thought of things that I was thankful for in the bathroom.  I was thankful that I could have running water and a toilet indoors.  I was thankful for proper cleaning supplies that would kill germs.  I was thankful for lenolium on my floor that is so easy to clean up.  I was even thankful that I had only one bathroom instead of two, because that meant less time cleaning bathrooms.  I even started singing a thank you song I made up.  It was amazing.  I honestly did not mind cleaning my bathroom this morning.  I actually kind of enjoyed it and I also enjoyed trying to think of different ways that I was thankful.   Men are that they might have joy.  When God tells us to do something, it is not because he enjoys ordering us around.  It is because he knows how to make us happy.  When we do what he says not only are we pleasing God, but it also makes us joyful.  Thank you Lord for helping me remember the joy that comes from praising you!

Fruits of the Spirit

Galatians 5: 22-23

But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, long-suffering, gentleness, goodness, faith, meekness, temperance; against such there is no law.

At a prayer service before reunion Dad read this scripture several times.  We were asked to really think about a specific fruit of the Spirit that we would like to have in our lives and pray for it that week.  The two fruits that I chose were joy and faith.  I wanted a joy that people would be able to see and a stronger faith to help make a difference in people’s lives.

I could feel my joy becoming more full at reunion and I have continued to have the gift of joy for two months now.  I have a noticeably different appreciation for my life.  I find myself being so grateful for each day with my kids.  I feel like I am able to deal with them with so much more love and patience.  I am so appreciative of my husband also. 

I especially noticed more joy when Peter left for a few days several weeks ago to minister in Austin, TX.   Normally I would be worried about being alone with a new baby and toddler.  When Peter leaves I can tend to get overwhelmed and sometimes a little sullen.  I did not feel any of these things while he was gone.  I honestly loved every moment I had with the kids for those few days.  I was also able to be very productive.  I actually got more done than when Peter is home.  It’s hard to explain, but as I was going throughout my days while Peter was gone, I felt like I was reminded of my desire for joy and that the Lord was showing me that he was giving me this gift.

Now, recently with Kyle doing so well, how can that do anything but strengthen my faith.

I am so grateful for the gifts of the Spirit, joy and faith, that the Lord has given to me.  I encourage you to read over the fruits of the Spirit several times and ask God to give you the fruit that you need most in your life.

 

 

 

Healing!

I put this first entry in my journal back in June.  Today I received word that Kyle had been healed.  I included an email from his mother that I received today.  Praise the Lord!  His ways are so awesome!

JUNE 12, 2008 PRAY FOR KYLE 

            Kyle comes to 70’s Reunion each year and he and their family are wonderful people.  A week ago it was discovered that Kyle has cancer throughout his entire body.  It looks pretty grim to be able to get rid of all of it.  There have been many people praying for him, including Peter and I.  I feel like we just need to ask for a healing in faith.  The Mount Ayr congregation prayed and fasted for him all day last Sunday.  During their prayer service Dad asked that they claim the promise that “where there are two gathered together and don’t ask amiss it shall be granted unto them.”  I have felt the Spirit very strongly as I’ve prayed for Kyle and their family.  The family is also practicing their faith and looking for a healing.  I look forward to seeing how the Lord will answer our prayers.

July 31, 2008 KYLE HEALED!

We just got back from the hospital a little while ago.  Kyle's hemoglobin had dropped to 6.9 as of yesterday, so we spent the afternoon at the hospital getting a blood transfusion as well as talking to Dr. Dole.  Yesterday, Kyle had an MRI and a CT scan to check our progress.  Today, we got the results from Dr. Dole, who called them remarkable.  The tumor down by Kyle's tailbone that was originally the size of a softball is now what Dr. Dole described as a "lesion" about 1 cm long.  The radiologist had to indicate where the lesion was in the picture with an arrow because it's so small.  His bones and his lungs are clear.  Praise the Lord.  It is truly miraculous what he can do and that he bothers doing so much for us as imperfect as we are.

Dr. Dole will talk with the surgeon, but he feels that the surgeon will probably not want to operate.  He's not sure if the surgeon could find it, and it probably isn't worth putting Kyle through surgery for that.  He does, however, still want us to come in next week for the 3-day cycle of chemo that Kyle is scheduled to receive.  He also wants us to consult with the radiologist and begin radiation treatments that will last 4-5 weeks.  Basically, we probably won't do surgery, but Dr. Dole wants everything else to remain the same including resuming chemotherapy after radiation for a total of 45 weeks or so.

So... we would really appreciate prayers that we might make the right decisions from here on out.  The doctor isn't going to be able to tell us to quit what we're doing, but I have a hard time putting Kyle through a year's worth of chemo for something I already believe is healed and taken care of by the Lord.

 It is hard to express my feelings at the moment.  It's not over yet, I know, but I feel so relieved, I cannot even begin to tell you.  I feel like the Lord has been with us from the beginning.  I have felt his sprit and his love with me often.  I know that the peace and absolute confidence that I have had (and still have) that Kyle would be healed could only have come from Him.  I'm way too much of a worrier for it to have come from me.  :-)  I feel like He has been using us and this experience in an effort to reach out to many people to let them know that He still exists, He is unchangeable and thus still possesses all the power that He ever had to perform miracles and work wonders, and He loves us, more than we could possibly understand.  I feel very blessed indeed.  Thank you for all your prayers and your continued prayers.

Love, Pam

 

Why write testimonies?

I have kept a journal of my day to day blessings from the Lord for several years now.   It has been a wonderful way for me to remember the times the Lord has blessed me in my life.  If I ever have moments of doubt or uncertainty I just have to read my journal and it is easy to remember that the Lord has been with me in so many different ways.

Unfortunately my car was broken into during Thanksgiving of last year and my journal was stolen.  I have been working periodically over the last eight months to remember as many testimonies as I can.  This time I decided to type them on my computer, so that I would not lose a paper copy.  Recently my computer crashed and I almost lost the testimonies that I had just rewritten.  Now I have decided to put my testimonies on the internet in the hopes that it will be a safe place for them to reside. 

When my journal was stolen I hoped that whoever took it would at least read it and be blessed by it.  I hope that by putting my testimonies on this blog that others will be blessed and be encouraged to begin keeping their own record of the Lord’s hand in their life.